Kart Flipping Mania!

Disclaimer: This is just an exaggerated and humourous attempt, a piece of writing that is meant for a few smiles and not to be taken seriously which is exactly why I waited this long to post it though I wrote it quite a long time ago. I hope this does not offend you, but even if it does, do remember that you are entitled to your opinion just as much as I am. Oh, and if you read the entire article, I will give you a free pen drive!!!


On the 6th of October, 2014, a major event took place, one that shall remain in the minds and hearts of Indians for a long time to count. This article is a tribute to that event. Yes, yes, stop jumping around. This is about the Big Billion Day Sale by Flipkart.

Eager shoppers sat at their desks, their eyes fixated on their bright computer and laptop screens, their mouths wide open as the cursors hovered over the refresh button. Beside them, a long list of all the purchases that were not made for years due to the miserly mentalities and ‘save for a rainy day’ attitudes of our countrymen lay, eagerly waiting to be checked off. Bank balances were quite high, ready to be diminished, all the for sake of the promise of life’s biggest sale made by Flipkart, an online shopping giant. Credit Cards and Debit Cards were polished, their numbers memorized throughout the night to enable a faster shopping experience. Oh, and breakfast was forgotten because this was even more important than the most important meal of the day.

The clock struck eight. The drooling began. The page opened… And it crashed.
Shocked shoppers loaded the page again and again and again, repeatedly tapping on the poor mouse and the laptop touch pads, creating holes the shape of fingerprints in them. Those who suspected that there was a problem in their domestic internet ran out in their robes and night gowns, their bathroom slippers making a weird noise on the streets and a cup of coffee (Or Tea) in their hands, sloshing around making brown marks on their pages and pages of stuff to buy. Their frenzy was unimaginable and their terror completely insane as they ran around in search of internet booths to cry in. Their lives were at stake. The 1 Re pen drives would soon be out of stock and then they would have to do the unthinkable. They would have to… *gasp*… spend more. Oh, the horror.

With gulped down tears and held back fury, they rang the neighbours’ doorbells repeatedly to inquire if the problem was the internet or the site itself. But no one came to the door because everyone in the neighbour’s house had already occupied the only internet booth in the street.
Time began to pass, schools and colleges and offices began to open. Multiple leaves were taken. Loss of pay was flying around the country. Those who could not take leave refreshed the page in their office cabins instead. Beads of sweat trickled down their chins and their eyeballs almost popped out of their faces. This was the most stressful day of their lives. Not even an earthquake could rip them off their seats now. If they were going to die in a natural disaster, then they wanted to be buried with their pen drives from flipkart.
But sadly, by the end of the day, everyone’s pages of unfulfilled purchases were turned into spiral bound booklets of ‘Things to buy for cheap before I die’.

Meanwhile, those like me, the lazy, uncaring ones, went through the routine of the day, not even knowing or bothering about the sale. I, in particular, did not find the need to get into the entire chaos of it. This is not because I am rolling in money, which I most definitely am not.
The only thing I am rolling in is fifty paisa coins, that too, after selling my house and my car. Anyway, as I leisurely scrolled through my Facebook page and read the rants of the people who had wasted their lives in front of their computers, I laughed to myself, not in a form of mockery, but because I had something fun to write about.
So, I got on and typed this out but I did not publish it. I was worried.
What if some sort of Flipkart hating mob would murder me on my way to work? What if people performed some sort of voodoo black magic on me and I would suddenly find a broken arm or a twisted leg? No, thank you. I wasn’t willing to take that risk. What would happen to all my fifty paisa coins? Do you know how many pen drives I would have gotten that day for those?

Anyway, jokes apart, I really did not and still do not understand why people had to go so crazy over something as silly as a sale. Alright, so a few hours were wasted and there was a lot of disappointment with Flipkart, but honestly, it happens. Competition is fierce and sometimes, things go wrong. Are you telling me that you never threw a party and fell short of return gifts? Do you mean to say that in every single function, party and wedding that you were part of always had enough quantities of food? These situations result in hundreds of unsatisfied people. Now add multiple zeroes at the end of that number and you have in front of you, the sale at Flipkart.
Like I said, it happens.

Now, the moment of truth. On an average, say a person wasted about four – six hours on the website and is now crying about it, shouting abuses and writing profanities about the whole deal, when he could have been doing something else in that time. Alright, so please please tell me this. What did you hope to achieve instead? Were you going to feed the poor? Where you donating blood? Were you trying to clean up the city? If yes, then how come a pathetic excuse of a sale stopped you from doing something of so much more importance?
Most of us, I am sure, would either have been watching a movie (which will most probably be bad), or texting our friends (which is surely equally pointless) in that time. And even if there was something more productive like studying or working, hell, we do that every day. Consider this a frustrating break and let it slide, alright?
Enough blood was boiled that day. RIP bodily functions.

To those of you who completely disagree with me, do understand that this is an opinion and does not have anything to do with changing your minds. I just love to express myself in the weirdest ways possible and this is one of them. Thanks for getting this far. You may leave now.
Oh, and I lied about the free pen drive.
But you must be used to failed deals by now, so, no hard feelings? 😀

Of Ignorant Judgments and Unnecessary Negativity

My best friend is a Muslim. My maid is a Christian. One of my closest friends is gay. I interact with a lot of ‘fat’ people. Ugliness is in my blood.
Does any of this bother you? Yes? Then leave. I don’t want your stench on my page.
It doesn’t bother you? Good. Because I am about to get super duper angry at those who said ‘yes’ and you are lucky enough to witness it. Take a seat because if you don’t, then I might break that chair. (Yes, I have temper issues. My gun is in the right drawer behind me. Consider yourself warned and sit down before my head blows up.)

Let me make one thing clear. We, human beings, are not eternal.  No, we do not carve our names on this planet for longer than seventy years (I am taking an average, so don’t panic. You may live longer, or much much lesser. Okay…you may panic now).
So why do we act like we own the place?

To set things straight, I do not care if you pray to a different God than I do. In fact, I do not care if you don’t pray at all. Are you nice to me? Good. Then I will be nice to you.
I do not care if your cuisine is different from mine. You find bugs delicious? Cool. In fact, come over to my place. I have a lot of those! But are you friendly? Awesome. Then I will be friends with you.
I do not care what you are like. Your skin is dark, your tummy is flabby and your English is bad? That is okay. Do you breathe in air and have a beating heart? You do? Then we are just fine.
And I most certainly do not care if you are a girl and you fancy me or if you are a guy and you fancy another guy friend of mine. Are you trustworthy and loyal? Excellent. Then you and I will do great…In a very platonic way, though!

Seriously, stop judging people. Stop arguing with people about baseless things. Just stop. You are no better than the rest of us. Don’t say that just because you are stronger, you deserve to bully your way through us or because you are richer, you get to treat me like your slave. Don’t expect that just because you look better, I will automatically drool over you or that because you know celebrities, I will follow you around like a puppy and wait for you to introduce me to these hotshots. (Unless you know Hrithik Roshan. Then, well, maybe. Okay, I am just kidding. *Not Really*)

Understand the thin line between having an opinion and being cruel. Like, for example, it is alright to dislike animals. I personally don’t see what any animal ever did to you excepting for protecting itself, but hey, whatever! Your opinion! But don’t be cruel to animals. Don’t throw stones at them or kill them mercilessly. Don’t do that. That is not dislike, that is pure evil.

But this is exactly what we are doing to our own human beings. We are dissecting and discriminating, forcing our opinions into controversies and convincing mindless people that we are right in doing so. A group of similar people are not friends anymore. A group of people from the same state or country or complexion or caste or culture are.
Hold up. Let me get one thing straight. You can forgive a guy for sexual assault because he is from your caste but when someone from another caste does it, then you beat him up? So the issue here is not the assault, is it?
If you whistle and make weird noises at a hot woman walking in front you, it is absolutely fine, but when she turns around and you find out that she is actually a family member, then suddenly, you zip up? So the problem here is not really the bad behaviour, but more about WHO you direct it to? Pfft.

Remember that down the line, when we breathe our last and close our eyes, we will be buried under the same soil that we drew boundaries over. Our bank accounts will be loaded with the cash that we never enjoyed when we were alive.
When you were born, you did not know. When you die, you won’t care. So why are you creating problems during the journey in between?

Look, I don’t care if you have a third eye, an extra finger, a couple of extra toes or even a tail (Can I take a photo though, please? Just the tail at least? Aw, come on!). I will talk to you and treat you as my own if you just behave like a good human being.

Lastly, I would like to tell you all to pick up those damn phones of yours, get onto one of those annoying apps that I am addicted to and communicate with any person you know who is not of the same caste, sexual orientation, religion or race as you are. Tell them just three words.
Not ‘I love you’, you love-sick morons.
Tell them this.
“I don’t care.”
Because you should not, no matter what anyone thinks. Not because I am telling you not to but because it is wrong to care about all that nonsense.

Okie dokie then, I am going to go. I don’t want to start swearing or anything. Oh, and you may get off that chair now. I am done. And don’t worry. There is no gun in the drawer behind me.
I think.